Amelia Dodson - 3 Steps to Conquering Your Mean Voice

[00:00:00] Wendy Manganaro: Hi everyone. My name's Wendy Manganaro and I am the Host of the Wellness and Wealth podcast. I'm so happy to have you find us. And if you could take a moment and hit that subscribe button, I'd really appreciate it. This is the podcast where we believe when you show up better for yourself as a woman business owner, you show up better for your business. 

So sit back, relax. And learn from the practical to the woo-hoo, how to best take care of you. Have a great day. Stay blessed. And leave a review when you're done listening to the show, thanks so much. 

[00:00:35] Wendy: On today's episode we have Amelia Dodson. I'm gonna read her bio and then we're gonna get right into it. Amelia has stepped into her role as that mom life coach in your pocket.

Through her innovative mom, life friendly coaching method, she coaches and supports women throughout their individual parenthood journeys so that they can provide the very best for themself and their entire family. So welcome to the show, Amelia. So glad you're here. 

[00:01:01] Amelia Dodson: Thanks, Wendy. I'm so happy to be here. 

[00:01:03] Wendy: So I'm excited about this because we're gonna talk about your inner critic, but I like how you say it much better.

You call it the mean voice, I'm having flashbacks to high school with the mean girl. 

[00:01:14] Amelia Dodson: That's where it came from. Yes. 

[00:01:16] Wendy: To you, what is a mean voice?

What does that mean in your world? 

[00:01:20] Amelia Dodson: Okay, so that reference to the mean girl is definitely part of it. And I wanted to take it to a more gender neutral place, so I called the mean voice and it's that inner narrator. That inner voice that can turn a little mean sometimes.

And what I've learned over the years with my research is that it's part of our defense mechanism. It's trying to keep us safe. It is tied into our habitual operating system, how we see the world, how we've been programmed by our upbringing how our environment has shaped us. And it's that voice that's telling you to stay safe and not try new things and go out of your comfort zone.

So that's the way I think of it, is that. It's that voice that's trying to keep you in your comfort zone. It's trying to keep you doing things that you are familiar with and not doing anything scary that might get you injured. So it takes in all the. A stimulus in there and basically discards anything that doesn't match what we've already been familiar with.

And it ties into those limiting beliefs, those old stories that we all have about ourselves. I'm not qualified enough. I'm too old to be doing this. I'm too young to be doing this. I'm not good at echnology, I shouldn't be in business because if I spend too much time on my own goals and I might be neglecting my family and I'll be selfish.

So all of these stories and beliefs that we have in our brains come out through this mean voice that kind of talks back to us. 

[00:03:08] Wendy Manganaro: I love that. The one that resonates with me because I do marketing, is the one I don't know how to do technology.

[00:03:15] Wendy: I can't tell you how many women I speak to who are waiting for their children to do it and then frustrated with their children cuz they don't do it. I guess I'm saying I've ran across my share of women and I offer the solution of Or you could hire the right person or learn how to do it either way that you want to do that. 

When and how did you discover your own mean voice? Cuz I think that, We all have it, but we don't know that's what it is. 

[00:03:38] Amelia Dodson: Exactly. So it's really hard to pinpoint when I discovered it. When I think back, I think it's always been there. It probably reared its ugly head around that. Lovely middle school time when we all become more self-aware and self-conscious. And it zeros right in on the things that you're most insecure about, that you're sensitive about.

It doesn't care about the way you wash your dishes or the way you fold your laundry. It cares about you. You put on a cute little outfit and it tells you're fat. Or you try to do a marketing campaign and put yourself out there and sell something, and it tells you're not good enough. You don't have enough experience.

So it's always zeroing in on those things that Are those pain points, I call 'em the top 10 greatest hits. So it's usually the same ones over and over that come up. So you can, if you start paying attention, you can notice them. And I really became aware of this idea. About 10 years ago, I took a yoga teacher training, and part of the training we talked about mindset and the way that we can focus on being a positive force in the world.

And. It really brought it up to my awareness that I had this voice that I always just thought was telling me the truth. These are my thoughts. These are things that I believe and they must be true. Why wouldn't they be? And I really became aware for the first time that thoughts are just thoughts.

They're not facts. They are based on a and filtered through our own experiences and what I call our operating system. And it's always constantly trying to match does this match what. I believe already, yes or no? Yes. Okay. We'll incorporate this. No, forget it. Move on. So the mean voice really is there to keep you in your lane.

And I really started to notice that when I first became aware of tapping into my thoughts and that they are not truth, they're not facts. And that just opened up my whole brain into thinking about it that. 

[00:05:53] Wendy: I like that. I've heard it little differently. I've heard feelings aren't facts, but I like that idea that thoughts aren't facts. Yes, there's a feeling that goes with it, but we either Constantly say yes to that feeling with our thought or no to that feeling with our thought. It habituates that feeling based on our thinking, usually more than anything else. 

When that's happening, I tell myself to stop that and it's hard to stop that. It's hard to be like stop thinking that. How do you

shut that off without going, Stop it. Stop it. And then the more you say stop it, the more you're think about it. The more it's this vicious cycle when we try to put quick breaks on those thought patterns. 

[00:06:31] Amelia Dodson: Yeah, so the more you resist it, the more it's gonna keep coming back and fighting you and you can't really reason with it.

That's a battle you're always gonna lose. So the way I think about it is this is all based on the way we see ourselves. So it's very identity based. So we need to go a little deeper into trying to. Type of person that has more positive thoughts. And the way that I found to do that is through habits.

So creating habits that are little routines that reinforce the kind of identity that you want. So it's a matter of doing things that make you feel in line. The kind of person you wanna be. So things like, doing yoga every day is something that I wanted to do is to create a habit, being the type of person that did that.

The way I did that was I created a habit of doing it every day. But just for two minutes every day. And that was like a tiny little thing that I could do. It almost seems ridiculous, and it's not gonna do anything for you to do that little, but what it will do is help you with that identity. And so when the mean voice starts coming up, you're not a yoga teacher, you're too fat to be a yoga person.

You don't look the part, you don't. You don't have that yoga body, all those mean voice things. I started to be able to counter that with no, I do yoga every single day without fail. And that's true whether I do it for two minutes or whether I do it for an hour. It is true. I'm a person who does yoga every day.

And so having that kind of identity level Connection to the specific activity was really important, and it can work in business as well. If you think I've had thoughts of, I'm not a real business person. I'm just, dabbling here. I'm not really doing anything worthwhile.

Those are the kind of mean voice thoughts that come up for me. And then, I think about, what are the activities I do every day that reinforce the fact that I am building a business? Am I posting on social media? Am I meeting with a client? Am I I. Organizing my technology that supports my business.

There's something I'm doing every day that's creating the reality of me being in business and having a real business. So having the actions to back it up really helps.

[00:09:08] Wendy Manganaro: I love that. I think that there's something too that because you are confirming your truth, right? Because there was one thing knowing something and there's another thing taking the action to do it so that it is a truth. And I think even for new business owners especially, we go, we started this business.

And then they go I'll work on it tomorrow, because that voice is like, there's something else. There's somewhere else, there's somebody else, or and in order to be like, Oh no, I own a business and this is the things I'm doing, it requires action. I think that's one of the hardest things for that I have learned for new business owners.

Because when they're in a job, they know their hours, they know they're start finish. And so there's some consistency to that. And as a business owner, you have to build your own consistency. 

[00:09:53] Amelia Dodson: That is so true.

[00:09:54] Wendy: And the mean voice can throw you off of that really quickly by asking what did you do for your business today? 

Because When you start it does require a little bit of discipline, but when you start to do that, it really does make a difference. Here is, my question for you, what's the warning signs that your mean voice is running your business and you're not?

I think that's a really important question because I think some of us get so into that identity of what our inner voice is telling us and if we don't move past that you are no wrong longer running the show. So in your experience, what are you kind of things do you hear and in parenting, because I work in marketing with women and I hear, if I'm in my business I'm not with my kids. If I'm with my kids, I'm not in my business. and I'm constantly feeling this pull of guilt on both sides.

[00:10:42] Amelia Dodson: A lot of what I see is anything from, total avoidance just putting it to the side. I'll deal with that later. I'll deal with it tomorrow to extreme overworking. So I need to prove something to myself, to the world that you know, I'm the real deal and that. Shows up as overwork, and it can be anything in between or it can be a combination.

A lot of people will ping pong back and forth between the two. So they'll do this overwork, overwork, and then avoid. And finding that balance is really hard for people, especially when they're letting that mean voice run the show. Because the mean voice is basically just saying what you're doing is not match.

Our operating system does not compute. So it's bouncing you back and forth between the two because you're trying with willpower to overcome that with the overwork and then you just have to recover from that and that. It goes to the other spectrum with the avoidance.

The mean voice really can put you into a tailspin with that. And the key I think is finding routines and habits and small things that you can do every day to reinforce the habits and to reinforce the identity of becoming a person in business and coming up with ways to. Maybe compartmentalize your life if you're a parent of having certain times that are devoted to your business versus being fully present with your family.

Because when you don't have those guardrails in place, you do wind up feeling bad when you're working on the business that you should be with your family or when you're family or Oh, I should have been doing this thing for my business. But if you have it more clearly delineated that, this is when you know it's only maybe an hour or two that I'm gonna focus.

And work on my business. You're gonna feel great about that. You're gonna accomplish maybe one major thing, and that's fantastic. And then you can move on and have dinner with your family and you'll feel like I've already accomplished my business thing. I can be here now with my family. So that's what I recommend is really it doesn't have to be some crazy strict schedule.

It's more just finding those pockets feeling good about it and then moving. 

[00:13:00] Wendy Manganaro: I really like that. do, and I believe that too. I think that sometimes I love what you were talking about, the ping pong. And I'm a real big believer in sprinting. Sometimes we sprint and we have busier seasons, and that's okay.

But keeping up a sprint forever runners don't do, there's long distance running, but they , they ace themselves in long distance running. They don't go full fledged from start to finish. They'd be so exhausted halfway through. And so I think that there's something to that is that learning how to find a rhythm and a piece that works for you that it isn't such a ping pong until you find that balance and it is about doing that one thing. And for me, I have to do the one thing in the morning and then I'm not so stressed out about, or stressed at all because that one thing is always done in the morning and then I can move on with my day.

The other thing that you mentioned was willpower. I like that. We're not gonna be able to willpower our way through this and not be exhausted.

[00:13:56] Amelia Dodson: Yeah, cuz we all have a finite amount of willpower. It's great. And it's a technique.

It's a strategy, it's a, a tool in our toolbox that we can pull out and use, but it's very finite. It's not a long term strategy. It can get you going. It can push you through the beginning to get started, but you need to find systems and routines and habits that are going to support your goals in which you wanna do in the long run, because relying on power is a recipe for disaster.

We all know it with things like diets and exercise and things like that. Most of us have tried some version. Those activities throughout the years and, it's the willpower will get us going, but if we don't find some sort of way to work it into our lives, it's just not gonna stick around.

So it's the same with any activity with starting a business or anything else that you're trying to do? 

[00:14:52] Wendy Manganaro: Yeah. I a hundred percent agree is that it will get you started, but it cannot be the finish line. It, because again, you'll exhaust yourself. And I think too when we depend just on willpower, I think that mean voice gets in our head then so we don't even have the willpower to do this?

[00:15:07] Wendy: And that's not good either because it's still going into the same cycle. we, because then we watch other people and we think they have more willpower, which has really has to do with they have come up with a system that works for themselves and as somebody who's tried every one of them, because I used to be like if I don't get up at five in the morning then I'm not doing it.

So I think the most important thing, part of what you're saying is find one that works for you. It's nice to hear what works for somebody else and you might be able to take even components of it. But I had to realize that the way that I work is very differently.

I do four good hours a day. I am good cuz I know I get a lot done in that timeframe where other people are up at Fought and I'm like, That does not work. I've tried . 

[00:15:47] Amelia Dodson: Nope, I'm with you, Wendy . 

[00:15:49] Wendy Manganaro: And I like good habits. It's not because I don't like good habits, but I think it's so key what you're saying and as a parenting coach and let me know your thoughts on this, when we learn how to do this for ourselves.

We're showing our children how to do that. 

[00:16:02] Amelia Dodson: Yes, that is key cuz they do what you do. They don't listen to what you say. They don't, that whole do as I say, not as I do kind of thing. It never works. So they're gonna see your habits, they're gonna see your self care, they're gonna see how you set up your life.

And there can't help but either model. After it or wanna do the diametric opposite because they see it's not working for you. So it's really important in terms of what we're showing our kids. You're absolutely right. 

[00:16:34] Wendy Manganaro: Yeah. I, And I have I've worked with women, and that's one of the things that I tell them.

I'm not a parenting coach by any means, but I'm like, if you want your children to follow what you do and be okay with it really is the basis of what you're doing. Like they, they watch, you're right, , they watch everything and you don't even know you're around watching. That's one of those things that I completely completely agree with. 

[00:16:54] Wendy: And you started to touch on it earlier, I wanna say this now before I forget, is that I think sometimes we don't realize that we would never speak to other people the way our inner critic or mean voice speaks to ourselves.

[00:17:09] Amelia Dodson: For sure you've gotta talk to yourself, like you talk to your best friend or someone that you love. When you see it in other people, it really shows it for me. For example, I see it in my son for some reason, and it breaks my heart. He'll say things about himself that are very negative and I'm like, Where does this come from?

Neither his. If his parents, we'd make a big effort not to talk about ourselves, at least out loud, in a negative light or anything to show him or whatever. And so I always have to address it when I see it with him, but they see everything and it just comes out. It's so almost bizarre to me.

And you really need to like, Address it when you see it. And it's it does help. And it's easier to see when you see it in other people than it is in ourselves sometimes. 

[00:18:00] Wendy Manganaro: I completely a hundred percent agree. And sometimes You can see it in somebody else and then still not know by the way that you're doing it until it, it's so painful.

 And just to your point by the way, as the marketing person, not every one of your posts are going to go viral.

You are not a failure. I want everybody to hear that you are not a failure. Because you're not trying to attract the whole world. I always tell other people, you're trying to attract the right client to you. Why do you care if it goes viral?

It like for a millisecond and you still may not get the right client, so attract the right client. And that's what you worry about. Not the, how many people it reaches. It's did you get the right engagement from the two to three people that you need to get the right engagement from?

So to that point though, Oh, there's a problem. What's my solution? 

[00:18:45] Amelia Dodson: Yeah, the first step is to really just recognize that it's happening and become aware that this is an issue for you. And I would venture that it's an issue for almost everybody cuz it's the way we're wired as human beings is to have this safety idea of safety in our brains that we're trying to protect ourselves.

And so the. Exercise that I have people go through is first you identify that it's happening and start to notice it. And a fun thing that we like to do is to give it a name. So it's not you necessarily like not thinking of it as yourself talking to you, but it's. Some sort of a persona and I don't know if you've ever seen the movie, I think it's called Luca.

It's a cartoon movie. It's relatively recent, the last couple years, and it has this part in it where they're basically talking about this and I. The one character says that whenever that mean voice comes up, you say Ncio Bruno. So it's be quiet, to Bruno, whatever is the name. And so I do that with my son.

So he says, Ncio Bruno. Or you could say, Hush Mildred or whatever. Give her a name, or whatever you wanna do is just to call it out as is almost like a personified. Person outside of yourself that you can tell to just basically hush up when they start, pipe it up.

And also and it makes it a funny thing too in your own brain that you're like being snarky with your alter ego there. And it's also good to sit down and identify what I call the top 10 greatest hits. So it's usually. A series of things that will come up over and over touching on the same subjects that you're generally most sensitive about.

Usually for me it's, appearance or parenting or follow through or, things like you're lazy, things like that. Like we all have a certain. Set of things that come up over and over. And so once you start seeing the pattern and even maybe jotting them down in a journal so that you can see them in black and white, it's more easy to see them for what they are.

And when they start coming up in your brain, you can say to yourself, You can catch. And just say, I'm not gonna argue with you. I understand you're trying to keep me safe, but thanks, but no thanks. I'm good. I'm gonna try this. And if it doesn't work, I'm not gonna die. life will go on if I try this marketing campaign and it falls flat and nobody signs up for my program, no one's dead.

Sure nobody probably will even notice that it happened. , besides you and maybe a select people that, that are, in your world there. So you gotta just put it into a little bit of perspective. 

[00:21:42] Wendy Manganaro: I love that. And you're right. I, and as a marketer I've had things fail and it's okay.

Everybody does. Yeah. Oh, now I know that doesn't work for my audience. Great. I can try something else, but what I really like about that is call it a name. A coach I had years ago I share about this often is she would, every time I had that, she'd say, Thank it for sharing and let it know that you got it , that the adult you will take over now.

But I love even putting a name on it because again, telling yourself to stop, you'll never stop. But if you were speaking to somebody else, you'd be like, Hey, Mildred. Yeah, I don't wanna make a Karen joke right now. 

[00:22:16] Amelia Dodson: Was trying so hard not to use the name Karen.

Like I know so many lovely Karens, by the way, that it's but it's the name that comes up. I don't know. It's terrible. 

[00:22:25] Wendy Manganaro: It's terrible. But there's that onus of. Calling it out for what it is, like the and going. Okay. Thank you. Thanks for sharing. I love that. Thanks for sharing, but the rest of me has got this, but if you put a name on it, that's a great idea because you would speak to somebody even about it differently.

Then you would, if you're just telling yourself to stop. 

[00:22:45] Amelia Dodson: And a lot of this stuff does come from our upbringing. So maybe a parent or a teacher or somebody that was, deep back there, in childhood often will be where a lot of these stories and limiting beliefs were imprinted on us.

So it isn't really an innate thing coming from us. It is coming from how we've been program. , it's probably a combination of things. Obviously it's not just one person, but giving it a name takes it a little bit outside of ourselves and allows us to get some separation.

That's not truth of who I am, that kind of thing. 

[00:23:23] Wendy: Yeah, absolutely. And you. Really quickly I look back at my own life and it took me years to realize that everybody told me that I should never write. It's funny because I do that for a living now. I was an English minor and it was bad. My grades were horrible because I started to believe all of what I was hearing. But I enjoy doing this so I could get better in the areas I need to get better in, as opposed to thinking I have to throw it all away. So , it's one of those things where you go, Okay, so let me learn the tools as opposed to throwing away what I really love to do.

[00:23:54] Amelia Dodson: That is fantastic. It's a great example cuz we've all been told things by people that they don't want us to try something and fail or is that the worst thing in the world, I don't know. But that is how people think and how they're trying to protect us.

So they would tell us things like that to save us the disappointment of trying something. Not work 

[00:24:16] Wendy Manganaro: Absolutely. I have to say this has been a pleasure. I could talk about this more and more because some of the things I've told myself over the years, it, and I think every woman does it.

I think every male does it. I think, whether you're an entrepreneur or not, We all have those moments and sometimes it requires somebody else to let us know because we don't even see it, or we're not open. And then sometimes people tell you and you're not open to see it till even later, till it eats at you a little, but this has been a pleasure speaking with you. Thank you so much. And I know that you have an offer, so please tell the audience what the offer is and then let them know how to get in touch with you. 

[00:24:51] Amelia Dodson: Oh, fantastic. So this has been such a pleasure, Wendy. It's always great talking to you.

So this was just a fun conversation for me. And before our talk was an offer for a free resource that I'd like to share, and it's a way to get to know me a little better and the resources that I like to share. And it does relate to what we're talking about today because if you wanna reprogram your operating system and kind of work on.

Addressing that mean voice. I recommend starting with your habits like we talked about earlier, and specifically I recommend starting with one habit at a time in the smallest version possible that you can do every day. Think of. Two minute version of it, and so I go into some more tips on how to do this in a free habit, change made simple cheat sheet that I created.

It's available for free on my website. It's just at Mama Love Health. Dot com slash habit and it's at little opt in, just your email address. And then you'll also be opted into my weekly newsletter so you can be aware of other things that I'll be offering as well. 

[00:26:06] Wendy Manganaro: Thank you so much and thank you so much for being on the show today.

It has been such a pleasure. I'm so excited. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

[00:26:13] Amelia Dodson: And thanks for having me, Wendy. This is fantastic. 

[00:26:16] Wendy Manganaro: All right. So for all my lesson there, you are all extraordinary, beautiful women. Live it, step into it.

And in the meantime, I can't wait to see you at our next show. Thanks everybody. 

[00:26:28] Amelia Dodson: Bye.