Abigail Stason - How To Navigate Anger

Wendy Manganaro: 0:00

Hi everyone. My name's Wendy Manganaro and I am the Host of the Wellness and Wealth podcast. I'm so happy to have you find us. And if you could take a moment and hit that subscribe button, I'd really appreciate it. This is the podcast where we believe when you show up better for yourself as a woman business owner, you show up better for your business. So sit back, relax. And learn from the practical to the woo-hoo, how to best take care of you. Have a great day. Stay blessed. And leave a review when you're done listening to the show, thanks so much.

Wendy(1): 0:38

Hi everyone, we have another great show for you and I'm so excited that you're here to listen. Today we have Abigail Abby, but we'll be calling her Abby Stason on with us, and we'll be talking about how to navigate anger. We will read Abby's, bio and then we'll get started. So, Abby's more master teacher than a coach. She is a social activist and skill builder. With 20 plus years of professional experience as an integrative leader, organizational consultant, and group facilitator. She is a thoughts leader and facilitator of embodiment. She practices what she preaches as a disruptor. Abby is committed to a new social awareness in favor of exposing outdated structures that are no longer of service, giving away to the experience of peace, freedom, and truth in the world. In short, she helps human beings, leaders, teams, and organizations wake up by equipping them with behavioral practices for a modern world. So welcome, Abby. Thanks for being with us today.

Abigail Stason: 1:43

Thank you for having me. And that's spot on. That's what I'm up to. that it reflected to me, I thought, yeah, that's me.

Wendy(1): 1:50

Don't you love that when you write something and you're like, oh, that's pretty good.

Abigail Stason: 1:54

That is what I do. That's so great. Thank you.

Wendy: 1:57

Yeah. I get that all lot too. Sometimes I'm like, oh, I need to put this together. And I'm like, oh, I already wrote that. That's pretty good. I don't have to do that. It's already done. It's wonderful. We met through LinkedIn so the listeners know I meet a lot of our guests through LinkedIn. I read Their bios and, look at what you do and because the show is on self-care, and you had asked me to take a look at your blogs for a topic and I was like, anger. That's a great topic to talk about because, it's hard to go through all of your life and not get a little angry anywhere. And then you add on stressors and pressures and suddenly sometimes you're getting angry and you don't wanna be angry. And you're like, why is this happening? And so we're gonna talk about that today, which I think is fantastic. I always love to ask my guests what is your definition of the topic? Because everybody has their own definitions of the word and what it relates to within themselves, their own life. So what's your definition of anger?

Abigail Stason: 2:51

Yeah. Thank you for that. And I appreciate you picking out this topic cuz I actually offered an idea for you, but you said, how about anger? And I thought, yeah, that's even better. Great idea. So for me, let's back up for a second. The first thing about emotions is to know where you're feeling when you're feeling it. So emotions start in our body and usually in sectors of our body. And then from there we have messages with that. So with anger, the way I define anger is an energy, it's resistance, energy. And it usually shows up in our head, neck, particularly in our jaw. And then sometimes people's faces will get very red. And sometimes women cover up their anger with tears. So for me, anger is an energy that's resistance energy. It starts in our body, head, neck, shoulders, tight, jaw, sometimes a red face, and it's resistance energy.

Wendy(1): 3:44

That's interesting that you say that because I am a big believer that most things happen to us physically. Or we take them on physically. Either they happen biologically, physically, or we take them on as a physical component to what is happening to us. So for that idea of anger, and then I like that you also said this, that sometimes it comes along in tears and we're like, why are we crying? This doesn't make any sense. And I think anger is one of those emotions that we're not, especially as women, I hate to say, women are not supposed to be angry. We're seen as lots of different things or we must have our friend, or there's all sorts of things that come along with when a woman in particularly is angry.

Abigail Stason: 4:27

Yes. And so that's why women covered up with tears, because women, if we're angry, then we're a witch with a B, then we get accused of all this and let's back up too, like you said, I'm appreciating what you said early on is that, with so much going on in the world, we're gonna be angry, and that's okay. It's how we channel that anger. But what's remarkable to me is that I'll ask people, when was the last time you felt angry. And I'll have people say to me, oh, I never get angry. So it's unrealistic. There's so much baggage around anger. So anger's actually just energy to come into harmony with and to utilize in a productive. Yeah. And,

Wendy: 5:11

And I think there is so much baggage with anger and I think there's a loads of topics out there, by the way, that we just don't discuss. It's either impolite or we're not supposed to feel that way, money's a topic that nobody's ever supposed to discuss. There's so many topics out there. We're we'll say let's not talk about that. God forbid we find out we're not alone And anger is one of those things where you start to think, there's something wrong with me because I'm feeling this way.

Abigail Stason: 5:38

Yeah. This is the social societal and cultural conditioning about emotions in general. Emotions are don't emote. There's no crying in baseball Is the infamous line? It's necessary that we are coming to harmony with our emotions and we actually feel our emotions. The studies are clear that emotional ventilation is an absolute non-negotiable for resilience from a biochemical, biological, physiological aspect. Also, with a, and bringing it to anger, which is a really important topic. Anger's one of the toughest ones for people to navigate Now. The context we're talking about is entrepreneurs and female entrepreneurs. Anger is a boundary. Anger helps me with boundaries. So the signal with anger is what do I have a no for? What do I disagree with or how am I not feeling met? So you wanna have boundaries as a female, as a human being, first of all. But then as a female entrepreneur, you wanna have boundaries and use that anger to say no to this or yes to that.

Wendy: 6:40

Absolutely, and I like that you say that's boundary and which I'm so skipping ahead, but we're gonna just do this anyway. Because you bring up a good point, which for me, when you talk about boundaries and I think that sometimes maybe all people, but certainly women will get to that point of anger because they haven't set the boundaries up in the first.

Abigail Stason: 7:03

Bingo. And I knew I was gonna love this conversation. Love it. And I love that as a conversation. So if I'm not in touch with my anger, Then I'm not in touch with my boundaries. But then yes, what happens is it builds and builds, and then the cork pops, and then we have this disproportionate response. And then as a woman it's oh, there she goes again. So for females, but this is true for a lot of people and look, this is so prevalent now. You can go, I'm gonna bring it up. You might feel angry or wanna smack me. So the infamous the slap at the Oscars. What is that? Chris Rock says something, he gets angry. He goes up and smacks him. Air rage incidences have gone up 3000%. Some outrageous number like that cuz everyone's angry. And then even President Biden, he was at a podium and had a hot mic. and there was a reporter asking him a question, and the question was irrelevant. Instead of President Biden saying, I'm not gonna take that question on a hot mic, he got caught saying, what a stupid son of a bee. And we're all human, but we're not understanding I feel angry. I have a request. Please don't do that.

Wendy: 8:13

Right. And I think that's what ends up happening is it's past this boiling point. And as you're talking about these incidences. I have a degree in criminal justice, which is so funny cuz, I decided to not be a cop as soon as I was two weeks away from graduation. But that's a whole other story for another time. But the, some of the psychology that I learned from that And you would think it's common sense, but people don't realize it in the summer, all crimes go up. Why? Because everybody's outside, they're hot, they're irritated, and suddenly they're acting out. Because they're not asking what they need and you're ready to attack somebody suddenly.

Abigail Stason: 8:47

Yeah. Great. What a great example. Thank you. Because they're angry because it's really hot out and they don't want it to be hot, so they take it out on each other. So today there's actually rage rooms that are on like primetime TV I watched Billions, the show anyway, and one of the characters went to a rage room where she dresses in safety gear and takes a sledge to take her anger out on things. So instead of this phenomenon of anger displacement where I take my anger and put it onto others, or I bottle it up to this disproportionate response, I can come into harmony with that. So that's the societal thing, but let's bring it back to a female entrepreneur. It's important that as a female, as an entrepreneur and as a human being, you have access to anger. Okay, I feel angry. What do I want? What am I disagreeing with and how can I do that in a way that's civil and respectful and mostly self-respecting?

Wendy(1): 9:42

And that brings to the question, how does anger affect an entrepreneur in their daily lives? Some of the things I first think of is suddenly I'm angry. I don't like my client. Suddenly I'm angry, I'm resenting. Which brings me to that question of what's the difference between a resentment and an anger? But I'm resenting at this point, the boundaries I haven't really set up. I can see how that would affect that way.

Abigail Stason: 10:06

Exactly. So let's say, this is where if we don't, we aren't in tune with our anger. We override our No. So anger's a signal that I have a no for something or I disagree with something. So if I keep, having a client that I have a no to, and I take that client, I'm gonna feel angry and then the resentment starts and I continue to feel angry because I'm out of alignment. Whenever we're out of alignment, we feel angry. So that's a signal to how am I out of alignment? How can I come back into alignment? And I also wanna say too, it's also so simple, it's 1145 in the morning. I'm starting to feel angry cuz I have back to back meetings and I haven't had lunch. You've heard the term hangry? So it's that simple. What we're talking about is simple, but not easy. There's so much baggage about anger. It's okay, I feel angry. What do I want? What do I disagree with? What do I have a no for? And then, Hey, Abby, I don't wanna do that right now. Would you consider doing this? Or, I don't have the capacity to do that right now. I don't wanna go out tonight. I'd rather work out, or, I'm really feeling angry. I don't wanna sign with this client. These are all the moment to moment signals to come into harmony with, and that adds to the toughest part is, When we feel angry and something's happening, but we can't change it. So for instance, the pandemic. I don't want the pandemic. I felt anger when it came on. Then we have to learn how to be in this disagreement and channel that anger in a productive way. So I recommend people make sure they work out cuz anger's resistance, energy or for an entrepreneur, how can you channel that to do more for your business? Take that energy, put it to work towards something in your business.

Wendy: 11:58

Yeah, and it's so interesting that you're talking about this with the pandemic, because that's what I was thinking about. I think there has to be an understanding which. As for me, I'm part control freak for sure. I know this about me. And so when I start to get angry the most is because I think that I need to a put myself somewhere that I don't need to be involved in. And then you are not doing what I want. And so I think there's something, between getting angry over those things that we can control and change, which is usually everything about ourselves as opposed to those external things. Like we were talking about the heat before, where we cannot control and learning in general, that's one of the things we don't know what we can and can't control, and then we start trying to over control and then we get angrier because somebody's not doing something we want them to do.

Abigail Stason: 12:49

Yeah. Well done on that one. So that's the Olympics of navigating anger, that somebody's doing something that we want them to be different and we can't change them. So then we get very angry and that's where drama then starts. Then we get into fights and drama and I'll go back to what I said earlier we have to be emotionally fluent. The studies are clear on this, and what's exciting about the time we live in is that we know a lot more about the biology and neuroscience and how that affects and impacts our behavior. And so if we're not in harmony and letting our emotional energy flow, we know that it affects our immune system and we know our resilience will drop. We know this, so people have had trauma. The more they can emote and not repress their emotions, they recover from the trauma faster. We just know that so anger's part of that coming into harmony with our anger will up our overall resistance.

Wendy: 13:43

And I did wanna go back to that question of this too is, I grew up with understanding the word resentment more than anger. Anger seemed so short termed and resentment to me felt something more long term. For lack of a better way of describing it. And that's the other thing is I don't know if we know what we can control and what we can't. And then I also think that we may have an onus of okay, this is short term. I don't have to carry this for six months. We don't know what we're carrying anymore. And I think, especially some of the behavior, I hate to say this, when I'm out and about and I see some of the behavior and I'm. Whew. I feel like I go up, wanna go up and hug people and say although it's not okay after the pandemic, as it once was, and be like, yeah, you're really not angry about that right now. I know you think that this is this, but this is not this.

Abigail Stason: 14:34

Yeah. Resentment to me is a built up experience. You're right. I applaud what you're saying and agree wholeheartedly. So if I'm not current on any of my experiences and this one happens to be about anger, then it gets bottled up. Then I'm not clean and clear. So I make sure that every night I'm clean and clear and current with my emotions. It doesn't mean they end, especially anger. So resentment is that I haven't stood for myself. It's a boundary. So then I'm gonna start, then we say we resent others when really we resent ourselves because we didn't stand for ourselves. But we take it out on other people. I'm glad you brought that up cuz see how this is just, we're having. Pretty rich discourse about anger when really it just should be, I feel angry today. What's my, no, what do I disagree with and move on. But see how it's a rich discussion cuz people just think anger's bad, or I can't resent others, or this, that and the other thing. And it's just anger's just another form of energy.

Wendy: 15:35

And this idea of cleaning, clearing it. Talk more about that at night, because I think that you're right. Because we hold onto to stuff maybe it's me. It could be me, but I've had moments where you walk away and you're like 20 minutes later you're still having that conversation and if I would've said, I call myself a recovering drama mama. I don't do this anymore, but at one time, especially in my youth, I'd walk away for three weeks and I'd be like, next time I see them, and I'm like, Really like they, they have moved on and I'm still wrapped with it in my head. And I think that's what you're talking about is this idea. So this idea of being able to clean and clear it so that you don't bring it in to the next day and the next experience is really ideally where we need to be. But, so talk more about that.

Abigail Stason: 16:18

This is really relevant because if one of the main reasons we go into our thought stream is because we have an emotion and don't wanna feel it. So a lot of it has to do with coming into harmony with our bodies and what's happening in our bodies. The emotion actually starts in our bodies. So we're not taught literally like, how do I process this? An joy's usually easy, and sadness is still a little bit easier, but anger and fear are the toughest ones. So we're never taught, how do I actually process this anger energy that's happening in my body? So we avoid that. We go to an our thought stream. That's a classic example. Well, next time I see them, and this isn't gonna happen again. As opposed to, okay, I feel angry. What did I have a no for? What do I disagree with? Where did I not feel met? Okay, what's here for me to learn? And then move on because it bottles up. Then you see the disproportionate response. These air rage incidences, or in my blog, there's an incidence where I went swimming laps at a pool and this gentleman started screaming and yelling. It wasn't about that. It was bottled up anger. So it comes out disproportionate to the situation because it's been bottled up for so long, and that literally like to process your feelings, you literally breathe into the sensations and capture any wisdom from it.

Wendy: 17:42

I love that. And this idea of bottling it up too long and where it's just comes out disproportionate and I'm not trying to be mean, but there are certain people where you look at and somewhere along the line they become so jaded. You can almost tell the difference. You can feel their energy and their jadedness when you walk into a room because they're not doing that at all. And they feel the world is against 'em, and you can just feel the energy of what it feels like for them to have the world against them, no matter what.

Abigail Stason: 18:14

That's right. That's cuz they're not in harmony. This is the mind body connection that everyone talked about and it's not woowoo at all. There's a lot of science now that supports this. So if I suppress any kind of emotional feelings, then I go to my head. That's the classic thing and I start thinking about it. And with anger, energy, resistance, energy, if I haven't been able to resist it, then I become the consummate villain all the time. Walking around the world is bad, that person's bad, and this constant anger just puts it in a villain flavor of constant judgment of everything in everyone.

Wendy(1): 18:50

And people walk away from that and then it's self-fulfilling.

Abigail Stason: 18:53

Absolutely. Well done. Yeah, absolutely. Cuz then if I'm villainizing everyone, people aren't gonna wanna be around me. And then I'm saying now the world is really bad. I see what I told myself. I was right. The world is bad.

Wendy: 19:06

Yeah. And it is this self-fulfilling prophecy when you're in that and talk about being angry and saying no, and I think this is part of it is where you start to realize that's where they're at and that's okay. That's where they're at. But that ability for yourself to go, that doesn't mean I have to go down that path with them because then you start to get angry because then it goes back to almost like expectations. I want them to change. They can't change. And you don't have to join that and say for entrepreneurs, a lot of times we take clients on like this knowing their annoying. like specifically, and then we, the whole experience is terrible. We get angry at them, we're never gonna do this again. And then we attract the same kind of client because we knew in the first place, this was not a good energy for us.

Abigail Stason: 19:50

Absolutely. And I would argue that for entrepreneurs, we don't have a ton of capital so We have to be really judicious about how we spend our time and energy. And so angers our signal. Okay, I'm feeling angry. I have a no for that person. I have a yes for this client. I have a no for that meeting, a yes for this one. So it's this constant loop of awareness, if you will, tuning into what do I want? What wants to happen, what am I present to? And anger's our friend. But because we have such bad behavior, we associate anger with bad behavior and that need, that wiring has gotta stop. We can be angry and say it respectfully. I had a issue with my wifi a couple weeks ago, and it's been chronic. and I was talking to the woman and I said, look, I I feel really angry. I wanna let you know I'm not angry with you. You're providing with me with great service. I feel angry that my wifi has been chronically intermittent. So I wanna make sure I really appreciate the help you're given to me. So if my tone reflects probably my anger, but I wanna let you know you're doing a great job. She's like, thank you so much. I really appreciate you saying. So it's like I, instead of the company's bad, you are awful. This service, it's no, I feel angry and I'm allowed to feel angry, but I don't wanna take it out on someone.

Wendy(1): 21:10

Oh, thank you for saying that, when you're angry or I have noticed, or, and I've been there too. at times is that anger has you catastrophize things. Because again, it's not the situation, suddenly it's the whole company. Suddenly, like the perfect example to me is when you hear people going, I'm having the worst day, they had a bad five minutes. I'm having the worst day ever. The whole day is shot and I swear it was five minutes. You could start over, you could do anything different. How do you learn when you've been told most of your life, don't get angry, it's not okay. Or you're a b if you are, or like to start to give yourself permission to do something so opposite.

Abigail Stason: 21:53

This is the most powerful question of today, of this time together. I put my health at stake if I don't emote. We know this scientifically. When we repress our emotions, we affect our immune system and are resilience drops physiological. So I give myself permission and if people get uncomfortable, that's none of my business, but then I stay present to that. But when you're in harmony with your emotions, especially anger, then I say, you're probably noticing my tone. So it's not you. I feel angry about the internet. So then that helps deflate other people getting upset. But it's life-threatening when we don't feel our emotions. This is part of the mental health crisis that exists right now, and I'll say once you learn the skill, emotions and anger is no big deal, then when you're current, it's look, I feel angry. You know what? I need to stop. I need to grab a bite to eat. Or, I feel angry. I have a no for taking this client. So then I can just stay, present, breathe, and then communicate to that person in a way that's in alignment, respectful. And course with my brand. So I'm on a mission to have people feel their emotions and it's the world's catching up to it now. The studies are clear, the science is clear, and it's starting to become more mainstream.

Wendy: 23:15

And it wasn't for a long time. And yet I feel and maybe it's me and maybe it's some sort of still lack side of me, but I feel like there's people who still, they're not getting the memo. and I say that in a way that I feel for them because it could be easier as somebody who's gone from. Past drama Mama be set off for weeks. Could you imagine all the conversations in my head and when I started to work on, mindset and trying to realize I'm responsible for me. Which is a lot of what this is, learning how to become responsible for you and your own emotions and how you react to things. I think they call it adulting in the millennial world we didn't have that really cool word adulting. But I think that's what that is. And I feel for those who are angry for the sake of being angry, because they think that's the only way they're gonna change anything. And I don't know if that's the course anymore.

Abigail Stason: 24:12

Yeah. If I'm not in harmony with my emotions and particularly my anger, then I'm gonna go to drama. The drama triangle, I'm gonna play victim, villain, and even sometimes hero. So then I'll attract people who are committed to drama. If I get outta drama and can be present to my emotions, I'll attract people who are present. So look, It's a little bit like I'll attract and repel people who are stuck in drama. They really don't wanna be around me because I can come into harmony with my anger and not go into and not go into villain, and that's okay with me. I'm not gonna make it good, bad, right, wrong, but just by me giving myself permission to emote, I'm healthier. I feel more peace, ease and freedom. I'm more present with myself. I can be more present with whoever's across from. and I'm outta my mental chatter. And look, it's just a much more delightful way to live. It gets intense sometimes, but the whole covid thing happened and yeah, it was intense and I had some personal things with that too, but I felt really peaceful and easeful because every day I was like, what am I feeling now? And able to incorporate that into my existence. And how do you wanna live? And you'll attract people with where you wanna exist. If you're committed to drama, you'll attract people who are committed to drama. If you're committed to presence, you'll attract people who are committed to presence. It's not good, bad, right, wrong. I'd rather live a more peaceful existence. And let's throw in, again, to bring it back to entrepreneurs. I've got a lot on my plate. I'm a solopreneur. I love what I do in the world. I wanna keep my focus there.

Wendy: 25:45

Yeah. I love that word, drama mama. It's so funny that you're saying that because I really do believe this I have single friends and I'm always like you'll attract where you're at, where are you? We talk about that in relationship world with attracting, a partner. But we don't always talk about that in the business world, in our personal lives, everywhere that energy attracts energy no matter where it is.

Abigail Stason: 26:07

Absolutely. And do it for yourself because that's who you wanna be in the world. Regardless of anyone else. And there's 7 billion plus people in the world, I noticed as I started to wake up and I would just start to, some people would drop off and some people would come into my life and I don't wanna, again, I don't wanna make a good bad, right, wrong, but it's we're all in this kind of path, this developmental path. And the more we wake up the more people who are awakened, also will wanna come on board with that. And it's all good, and I'm very rubber meets the road as you're getting to know me. It's a practice learning how to be with our emotions and particularly anger. It's a skill. So like I learned how to ride my bike and train for things. We're in training all the time with navigating our human condition, and particularly anger's a really tough one.

Wendy: 26:58

Yeah, absolutely. And so I have one last question then we're gonna have to wrap up. But if somebody is realizing, because I have a true belief that most of us walk through life that this is just our normal and we don't know that there's not anything other than our normal. Or I've never seen my life in that light because I've never seen this. For me, I'm learning that it's more about, responding than reacting but how do we take the steps and use that to start setting those boundaries or start having effective action so that it stops limiting us and our capabilities.

Abigail Stason: 27:35

Great question because if we haven't been in touch with our anger for the majority of our life, we've been overriding what we want or we don't know what we want. So first of all, I say start small. Start to recognize throughout your day when you're feeling angry, and what do you have a no for, et cetera. Then the other thing I recommend that people do if they've overridden their anger, is to start journaling about what do I want? Because basically if you've overrode your anger, then you haven't been in tune with what you want. So there are situations where people really have a life that they don't want and are very angry about that. So I prefer not to do a violent release of that so to speak. So stay neutral to what you're doing to support yourself and then ease into what do you want, and to experiment with that over time. And your anger will be a signal to that. But in the very, very practical, mundane of the day, it's every moment, just like when you're feeling angry, what do I have a no for? What do I disagree with? Where am I not feeling met? What do Iwant?

Wendy: 28:41

I love that. And actually that's so funny cuz I recorded a podcast earlier and we were discussing when you're coming from trauma backgrounds the what do I want is just the opposite because it's so foreign to us. Depending on where you come from to even see something different. Or know that there is something different to want. And sometimes it's I don't want that. So what would be the opposite? And keeping it that simple.

Abigail Stason: 29:04

Yes, answer that one more I'll say it might be, I don't know what I want. So how can I learn about what I want?

Wendy(1): 29:10

That's perfect. I think sometimes when we go, oh, I need to make these changes. We think they need to be so grandiose and all at once, and that's not the case. Simple steps can really change a moment or a day becoming consistent in these simple steps. It has been a pleasure to have you on. I know you have an offer, so I want you to tell everybody.

Abigail Stason: 29:30

Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that. And if you're interested and there's a whole bunch of skills that I teach. Emotional intelligence is one of them, but presence, how to speak and listen all consciously and with more awareness. So I have a book, it's called Evolution Revolution, which you can buy on Amazon, and I launched a course@consciousleadership.online. Where you can buy a course that I offered and there'll be more offerings coming there. And you can come to my website@abigailsta.com and buy my book, it's a skills book. You can start practicing right away or by the self-study course online. It'll walk you through how to learn these skills.

Wendy(1): 30:09

Thank you so much. It has been an absolute pleasure having you on the show today. Thank you.

Abigail Stason: 30:14

No, thank you. And I thank you for having me. I always learned something, so these are so amazing. So thank you.

Wendy: 30:19

Thank you. If you'd like the show and want to hear more shows like this about self-care in different areas, please don't forget to hit that subscribe button. Have a great day, and until next time, be abundant.